Conflicting

It is possible for something to be great and totally suck at the same time. This is the idea that I was trying to impart to a group of potential CASA Guardian Ad Litems this morning. I think it was a message that caught them a bit off guard.

I think a lot of people go into this thinking how great it will be to help kids who need help. And that is true. But this is a job like no other. We don't get to just hang out with the kids and be their friends. In fact, we have to figure out a way to be their friends, but not actually be friendly. We need them to open up to us, but they also have to understand that there will come a time that we won't and can't see them anymore. It's important that they know this so they don't feel abandoned all over again when the case closes. But how do you explain this to very little kids? I try, but it doesn't really click.

These kids don't need us to be their friends or to feel sorry for them, they have enough of that already. They need us to advocate for them. They need us to make calls over and over to the caseworker who never returns them. They need us to try and hunt down their parents who are not wanting to be bothered, after all they have free babysitting right now. They need us to complain, and complain, and complain that they aren't getting the services they need. And they need us to deal with the disappointment that we aren't actually getting anything accomplished, get over it and try again.

The volunteers asked me how much time I really spend on the case every month. And I told them, it's true, I only document about 5-7 hours a month. This, however, does not take into account all the time I spend thinking about it. I spend time thinking about and trying to figure out a new game plan to get the caseworkers attention or to convince him that I'm right on the rare occassion that I actually communicate with him. I'm thinking about who at the CASA office might actually have a new idea to get what I need. And in general, I'm thinking about the kids. For the first couple of months, I couldn't sleep at night after I visited the kids because I couldn't get them out of my mind.

Another volunteer asked me if there was a lot of satisfaction in the job, I looked at her like she was a bit stupid. I told her that I often feel like I'm failing these kids. But then I remember, I am at least TRYING to get these kids through the system whole. Which is a whole hell of a lot better than what anybody else is doing. I might not make much progress, but I keep plodding along.

Funny thing is, this is how almost ALL of the CASA/GALs feel. As I'm saying these things the director is sitting next to me nodding her head in agreement. This is the job. It absolutely sucks. But every month I pull into a driveway and there are three faces staring out the picture window waiting for me, the only stable and consistent adult in their lives. And that is a great feeling.